Turnabout
by kippersvindaloo
Summary: Lister makes repairs, and Holly benefits unexpectedly
1. Playing with Cat

AN: This story takes place in what I like to think of as my series two and a half, after "Second Childhood," "Persistence of Memory," and "It's a Thought." Thanks again to everyone who's given me feedback; it's always nice to get it.

Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine, and I'm not making any money from this, so please don't sue me.

**Turnabout**

Cat was crouched by the open doorway to the bunk room, waiting quietly as Rimmer turned the corner. If Rimmer had been human, he would've tripped over Cat, but as it was, he stopped just before he would've walked through Cat. Although Rimmer knew he could technically walk through anything he wanted, he still felt uncomfortable doing it.

"What are you doing?" Rimmer snapped, irritated at being reminded of his hologrammatic status.

"Waiting for the round mouse," Cat said in hushed tones.

Rimmer glanced at the doorway, then back at Cat. "There's no such thing as a round mouse."

Cat held a finger to his lips. "Ssh! You'll scare it away!"

Rimmer could tell it was going to be another one of those Rimmer-against-the-world days. "Let me explain something, you goldfish-brained modo. Mice can be white, brown, or grey. They cannot be, and will never be, round."

A ball rolled into the doorway, and Cat pointed to it. "There it is!"

"That's not a mouse," Rimmer said. "That's a ball."

Cat nodded. "That's what I said. But when I tried to catch it, it moved."

Rimmer wasn't sure whether to pity the ignorance of the entire cat species or just this particular cat. He decided to go with this particular cat until further notice. "Ah, yes. The thing is, when balls move, that's called 'rolling.'"

Cat made a face at Rimmer. "I mean it moved on its own! Only a few things move on their own, and one of those things is a mouse."

Cat crept closer to the ball, but just as he got close enough to touch it, it rolled away. Cat shook his head. "That's the smartest mouse I've ever seen."

Rimmer had seen enough, and he headed for the bunk room. "Unbelievable."

"Hey, what are you doing?" Cat asked, springing to his feet.

Rimmer gave Cat a pitying smile. "Scaring the mouse so it runs into the hallway and you can catch it."

Cat looked suspicious. "Okay. As long as I get the mouse."

Rimmer decided to try common sense. "What would I want with a mouse?"

Cat crossed his arms. "I don't know. Just don't take it. It's mine."

Rimmer nodded. "Right."

Upon entering the bunk room, Rimmer discovered that Lister was hiding just inside, holding the "mouse." Lister had attached a length of clear fishing line to the ball. Rimmer noticed that Lister was quite pregnant—what was he, eight months along? Rimmer wouldn't have been sitting on the floor with a gut that size, and he doubted Lister would be able to get up again.

"What are you doing?" Rimmer asked, pretending he didn't already know.

Lister made a shushing gesture at Rimmer. "Playing with Cat."

Rimmer raised his eyebrows. "Don't you have anything more important to do than tricking that overgrown hairball into believing a ball with fishing line attached to it is a round mouse?"

Lister considered the question for a moment. "No."

Rimmer shook his head. "You know, if you really are the last living human—"

"I'm not," Lister interrupted. "Jim and Bexley are."

Yes, it was definitely a Rimmer-against-the-world day. Rimmer sighed heavily. "If you really are the last living human at the moment, you might try doing something for the betterment of humanity."

Lister glanced down at himself. "I did. I put on a clean shirt today."

"I mean something genuinely useful," Rimmer said.

"Like?" Lister asked, looking at Rimmer for suggestions.

Rimmer was happy to provide some. "You might study geology, for example, or art. You might take up painting."

Lister seemed to think that was ridiculous. "That wouldn't make any difference to anybody."

"It would make a difference to me. And it would make a difference to you, because for once you'd have something on your mind besides large-breasted women and lager," Rimmer said.

Lister rested a hand on his stomach. "Hey, I haven't had a lager for eight months 'cause of me boys."

"You know what I mean," Rimmer said, turning to the mirror and playing with his H. "You never even make an attempt to learn something you don't already know. You are the last repository of human knowledge and you know less than a ten-year-old child who's been locked in a padded room all his life."

"I'm not the last repository of human knowledge," Lister said. "Holly is. And what about you?"

Rimmer turned back to Lister. "Me?"

"You could be a repository too. Why aren't you?" Lister asked.

Wasn't it obvious? "I'm dead."

"So? You're still here," Lister said.

Rimmer could see it was time for the superiority speech. "I'm constantly studying to better myself and learn more."

Lister smiled. "Yeah, and it never works."

Rimmer drew himself to his full height. "It does so."

Lister shook his head. "You can't speak Esperanto; you don't know astronomy or engineering. Face it, Rimmer, you're as much of a failure in that department as me."

That was the worst insult Rimmer could think of. "At least I'm trying! You don't even try. All you do is sit around and vegetate."

Lister looked thoughtful. "Vegetate?"

"Have I finally got through to you?" Rimmer asked.

"Yeah, you've made me hungry. Help me up?" Lister said.

Oh, that's right. Rub it in. "You know I can't do that," Rimmer said.

"All right. I'll manage." Lister struggled valiantly to his feet. It took him a while, but eventually, he was standing. "That wasn't so bad."

Rimmer checked his watch. "No. You've just beaten the world record for a hippopotamus."

"Hey, I don't make fun of your weight," Lister said.

"That's because I'm light, and light doesn't weigh anything," Rimmer said. _Five points for Rimsy._

Lister was still holding the ball, and he tossed it gently in the air, just within arm's length of Rimmer. "Hey, Rimmer. Catch."

Rimmer crossed his arms and watched the ball fall, as there was nothing else he could do. "Very funny."

Lister brushed off his pants. "Anyway, Holly asked me to repair one of her conduits in the Drive Room."

Rimmer didn't like the sound of that at all. "Since when are you qualified to perform such delicate repairs?"

"Since I'm the only person on the ship who can hold a wrench," Lister said, shrugging.

"Cat can," Rimmer said.

"Yeah, but Cat won't lie down on the floor to fix anything, so that leaves me," Lister said.

Ever since Lister had caused that huge explosion by forcing some plug into a white cable, Rimmer was extremely wary of Lister's electrical prowess. "You'd better not screw this up."

"Look who's talking," Lister said.

Rimmer winced at the reference to his own moment of repair weakness. "I'm just saying—"

Lister rolled his eyes. "I know. Holly's responsible for all our lives. She's the only thing that keeps us from drifting aimlessly in space."

Rimmer wouldn't have gone that far. "Actually, since her gender reassignment, I've had the feeling that Holly is floating aimlessly in space."

"Nice," Lister said.

Rimmer knew Lister would never come to appreciate the value of a fine, dry wit, so he changed the subject. "And I don't know why you keep calling Holly 'she.'"

"Well, she's a girl now, isn't she?" Lister asked.

"Computers have no gender, Lister," Rimmer said.

"Of course they do. If you've got a face, you've got a gender," Lister said.

_Clearly you never took a human biology class. _"I'm so glad you're a top-notch scientist who can explain these things to me."

"You called him "he" before the change, didn't you?" Lister asked.

"I suppose," Rimmer said.

Lister kicked the ball under the table. "Anyway, I promised Holly I'd get on those repairs before lunchtime."

"I'd better supervise," Rimmer said.

"Why? You can't help if anything goes wrong. All you can do is shout at me." Lister said.

Rimmer smiled. "Never underestimate the therapeutic power of shouting, Lister, particularly at you."

Lister shook his head and left the room.

Cat was still waiting in the corridor when Rimmer followed Lister out of the bunk room.

Cat stood, approaching Rimmer. "Well? Did you get it?"

"I think it's been temporarily stunned," Rimmer said.

Cat spun 360 degrees in excitement. "Oooh! Nice little mousie…stay right where you are…" He raced into the room.

Rimmer shook his head and followed Lister down the corridor.


	2. Making Repairs

Lister took a screwdriver out of his tool kit, thinking that Rimmer was a more annoying supervisor now that he was dead than he had been alive. Currently, Rimmer was pacing back and forth in the Drive Room. Lister scooted on his back until his head was inside the conduit Holly wanted repaired.

"It looks pretty easy to fix," Lister said.

Rimmer stopped pacing. "You've never repaired that conduit before! How can it look easy to you?"

Lister looked at the wiring. "It just does."

"Well, at least if you electrocute yourself, it couldn't happen to a more deserving guy," Rimmer said.

"Smeg off," Lister retorted, putting the screwdriver back in the tool kit and pulling out a set of wire cutters.

"You're going to need a crane to stand upright again," Rimmer said.

Lister wasn't really listening. "Why? So it can peck out my eyes and you can have a laugh?"

"Not a bird, you brainless buffoon. I meant a large mechanical device designed to lift things that weigh several tons. Like you," Rimmer said.

Lister smiled to himself. "Well, I don't care, cause you were wrong."

"About?" Rimmer asked.

"I didn't get breasts. There must be some other way men in that universe feed babies," Lister said.

Rimmer shook his head. "The cats might've used all the formula on board. Have you thought about what you'll feed the boys if that happens?"

Lister clipped a wire in half. "Two minutes ago, you wanted me to electrocute myself. Why are you so interested in the boys?"

Rimmer always got a little different when he spoke about the boys—almost glowy, as if they were his kids instead of Lister's. "Because they're new people who aren't lost causes yet. They're unmolded. They can still be formed."

Lister clipped another wire. "You make them sound like Jell-O."

"I'm just saying, you're hopeless, but your sons could still turn out to be worthwhile human beings. Providing they have the right education and upbringing," Rimmer said.

Lister peeked out of the conduit. "Are you gonna fight me for custody?"

"Don't be stupid," Rimmer said. "I'll simply serve as an alternative influence to undo the worst of the damage you've done them."

"I'm not going to damage them," Lister said, getting back to his work.

"Lister, you could damage them by breathing on them. That's why it's important that I'm around," Rimmer said.

"No, it's important because I'm gonna be the fun parent," Lister said. "You're gonna be the one who makes them do their homework and teaches them all those useless words you've built your life around."

"Which words are those? The ones you can't spell?" Rimmer said.

"No," Lister said. "Words like 'responsibility' and 'conscientiousness'…and 'weaseling out.'"

"Weaseling out? I have never weaseled out of anything!" Rimmer said.

Lister was always amazed that Rimmer could tell such obvious lies with a straight face. "Give me a break, Rimmer. There isn't a second of any day you don't weasel. If there were a club called Universal Weasels, you'd be the president and all the other officers. I'm surprised you haven't grown out your front teeth and sprouted some fur so you could be more like your heroes."

Rimmer made an annoyed semi-laughing sound. "Well, I see we're a whirlwind of amusement today, aren't we, Lister? I honestly don't see how you can contain all that hilarity within the confines of this ship when you should be sharing it with other people. I, for one, am willing to drop you off at the nearest inhabited planet so that others can be introduced to the glory that is your sense of humor."

Lister connected two of the wires, glancing out of the conduit. Then he noticed that Rimmer's toes were suddenly disappearing.

Rimmer noticed too. "Lister? What are you doing?"

Lister figured he might as well explain. "There's a loose connection here. I'm just gonna reconnect a few of the wires and…"

"Don't do anything more," Rimmer said.

"Why? Have you suddenly turned into an expert on this conduit?" Lister asked.

"What's happening, then?" Holly asked.

Rimmer sounded panicky. "Holly, where did the ends of my feet go?"

"I dunno. Where did you leave them last?" Holly asked.

When Lister peeked at Rimmer again, Rimmer's feet were completely gone, and he appeared to be standing on his ankles.

"Lister, stop what you're doing this instant!" Rimmer snapped.

Lister only had two more wires to reconnect. "I've almost got it."

"Hey, something funny's going on," Holly said.

"You're only realizing that now?" Rimmer asked.

"No, but…something's different," Holly said.

"Other than the fact that I have no body below the knees?" Rimmer asked.

Lister looked at Rimmer. It was true; after Rimmer's knees came the floor.

"Yeah," Holly said. "Whatever Lister's doing is changing something about me too."

"Well, tell him to stop it!" Rimmer said.

"I can't. I don't know what it is yet," Holly said.

"I'll give you a hint. It's ME!" Rimmer said.

Lister reconnected the last two wires. "Looks like all I have left to do is flip the switch."

Rimmer sounded desperate. "No! Don't flip the switch!"

Lister did. Then he emerged from the conduit to find that both Rimmer and Holly had gone. He looked around the room, hoping that he hadn't done something to send them away for good. "Where did everybody go?"

Suddenly, Holly appeared in a sitting position in the center of the room. There was a shiny silver H on her forehead, and for the first time, she had a body. Lister stared openmouthed at the woman in front of him.

"Holly?" Lister asked.

Holly nodded. "I think so." She looked down at herself and apparently had no idea what to make of her body. "Help! I'm being attacked by snakes!" She flailed her arms around, trying to get them off.

"Those aren't snakes, Holly," Lister said. "Those are arms."

Holly looked confused. "But…I haven't got arms."

"You have now," Lister said.

Holly looked at her lower body. "Gordon Bennet…are these legs?"

"Yeah," Lister said, amused at Holly's confusion about her humanoid body.

"I've got legs too," Holly said, a note of wonder in her voice.

"Yeah, I noticed," Lister said.

Holly looked at Lister. "What happened? What did you do?"

"You're a hologram," Lister said, not sure exactly what he had done.

"If I'm a hologram, then who's flying the ship?" Holly asked.

"LISTER, GET ME THE SMEG OUT OF HERE!" Rimmer said.

Lister glanced at the viewscreen and saw Rimmer's very annoyed face. "Rimmer? What are you doing in there?"

"You put me in here, you stupid goit," Rimmer said.

Lister nodded. "Oh. What's it like?"

"Have you ever been in a library?" Rimmer asked.

Library…library… "I've seen one," Lister said.

"From the inside or outside?" Rimmer asked.

"Outside," Lister said.

Rimmer shook his head. "Let's start over. Do you know what a library is?"

"Well, it's got books in it, right?" Lister said.

"Good enough," Rimmer said. "The ship's computer is like an enormous library—except some of the books haven't been off the shelf in years. It's all dusty and…I think I just saw a mouse run across the back wall."

Holly looked slightly embarrassed. "I haven't had time to clean up."

Rimmer blanched in alarm. "Oh my God. A planet!"

Lister moved his head, trying to see out the window. "Where?"

"Don't worry. I've just steered us away from—there's another one!" Rimmer said.

"Did you steer us away from that?" Lister asked, wondering if it was a good idea to have Rimmer piloting the ship for very long.

"Yes. Everything's perfectly fine. Aah! A gas giant! I can't look!" Rimmer squinched his eyes shut.

"You can't drive if you can't see, Rimmer!" Lister shouted at him.

Rimmer opened his eyes. "All right. All right. I'm getting the hang of this, I think."

"Took me a couple thousand years to get in the groove," Holly said.

Rimmer shook his head. "This is incredible. There's so much to do at once."

"Can you do it all right?" Lister asked.

"Well, right now, yes, but I wouldn't want to spend my holidays in here," Rimmer said. "Look at all this information! If I had access to half of this on a regular basis, I'd be brilliant! You see, Lister, this is what I mean about improving yourself."

"You want to stay then?" Lister asked.

"Stay?" Rimmer said.

"In the computer," Lister said.

Rimmer looked horrified at the idea. "Are you crazy? No, I don't want to stay in here. You have no idea how unwieldy it is to have a body that's made of metal and is hundreds of miles long."

Lister grimaced. "That's way more than I need to know about your personal life, Rimmer."

"Ha ha. Look, get back under there and fish me out," Rimmer said.

"Hang on a minute. You're forgetting something," Holly said.

"What?" Rimmer asked.

Holly gestured tentatively with her new arms. "Me."

"What do you have to say about this?" Rimmer asked.

"I've never had a body before," Holly said.

"Well, you won't find many uses for that one. Trust me," Rimmer said.

"What are you thinking, Hol?" Lister asked.

"Just that I'd like to have a little time to enjoy being a hologram," Holly said.

"Enjoy. That's very funny," Rimmer said.

Lister glanced at Rimmer, a little puzzled. "Why?"

"Lister, you can't be serious," Rimmer said.

Lister didn't see why not. "Don't you think Holly deserves a vacation from all that work she normally does?"

Rimmer looked alarmed. "You're just going to leave me here?"

"It's not like I don't remember what I did, Rimmer. I can undo it anytime," Lister said.

"Get me out of here or I'll-I'll crash us into something!" Rimmer demanded.

Lister grinned. "No, you won't, because you'll feel it first."

Holly looked at Lister. "Does that mean you're going to let me stay a little?"

"Sure. Why not? A couple hours couldn't hurt," Lister said.

Holly stood up, looking at her feet. "What are those?"

"Your feet," Lister said.

Holly looked amazed. "I've got feet."

Rimmer made a disparaging noise in the back of his throat. "Well, I see she's just as intelligent outside the computer as she is inside it."

Holly glanced at Rimmer. "Speak for yourself. You've always had feet."


	3. In the Bunk Room

Cat was perfectly happy playing with the round mouse once he'd caught it, but then Lister told Cat there was something important he had to see in the bunk room, so Cat went to see it.

Someone new was asleep on the bottom bunk when they entered the bunk room.

"Hey! Who's that in Grease Stain's bed?" Cat asked.

"Ssh! That's Holly," Lister said.

Cat frowned. "Holly? The computer? Then who's in charge of the ship?"

Rimmer's face appeared on the nearby viewscreen. "That would be Grease Stain, you idiotic smeg for brains."

Cat jumped away from the screen, startled. "Does he do that every time you talk about him?"

"I can hear everything that goes on in the ship. Why wouldn't I show up when I hear my name spoken?" Rimmer asked.

"Maybe because you've got more important things to do than listen to ship gossip?" Lister said.

"That's ridiculous. What could be more important than—oh no! A series of incredibly crowded moons!" Rimmer disappeared from the viewscreen, getting back to maneuvering the ship.

Holly stirred on the bottom bunk, and then sat up suddenly. "Where am I? What happened?"

"It's okay, Holly," Lister said.

Holly glanced at Lister, frowning. "Dave? I think I just died."

This was too much for Cat. "What?"

"I was lying down on the bed, and then I died. When I heard you talking to Arnold, I came back to life," Holly said.

Lister chuckled. "That's not death, Holly. That's called sleep."

"You mean…what I just did is what you and Arnold spend all that time doing?" Holly asked.

"Yeah," Lister said.

"Well, that's not very interesting, is it?" Holly said, looking a little disappointed.

"If you had any dreams it might be," Lister said.

"I have dreams sometimes when I'm recharging myself and resting my data banks," Holly said.

Lister looked impressed. "Really? I didn't know computers dreamed."

"You might not recognize it as dreaming if it happened to you. Computer dreams are a little different than human dreams," Holly said.

"How?" Cat asked.

"We do it in base eight," Holly said.

"Oh," Lister said. Then he gestured to Cat. "I brought Cat for a visit."

Holly nodded to Cat. "Hello, Cat."

"Hi," Cat said, glancing up and down Holly's body. "You look nice."

"Thanks," Holly said.

"So before you go back to normal, is there anything you want to do?" Lister asked.

"Well, I was thinking about that," Holly said.

"And?" Lister prompted.

"There's something I've always wanted to try. Not a lot of it, mind you, and I might be rubbish at it, but…" Holly trailed off.

Cat didn't know what Holly was getting at, but he was getting more and more excited as she described it.

"Go on," Lister said.

"Yeah, you've even got me curious, and you know what they say about curious cats," Cat said.

"What?" Holly asked.

"Curious cats get hungry quicker," Cat said.

"So go ahead and tell us," Lister said.

Holly looked guilty and excited at the same time. "I've always wanted to try dancing."

Cat knew he'd liked Holly more ever since she'd become a woman. "Dancing? Really?"

"I thought I might be better at it now I've got arms and legs and everything. Do you think we could?" Holly asked.

Lister smiled. "Holly, if you wanna go dancing, we'll take you dancing."

Holly gestured to Lister's pregnant stomach. "Can you dance with that?"

"No," Lister said, shrugging, "but I couldn't dance before I had it either. If you really wanna learn how to dance, you should watch Cat."

Holly looked curiously at Cat. "Why? Are you good?"

Cat puffed his chest out, swaggering a little. "Am I good? I'm the king of the dance floor! My shoes have better moves than most people's feet."

Holly stood up. "Well, then, what are we waiting for? Let's boogie on down."


	4. Back to Normal?

Rimmer was hovering impatiently on the viewscreen when Lister, Holly, and Cat returned to the Drive Room. "You took long enough."

Lister didn't see what the big deal was. "I said we'd be a few hours."

Rimmer shook his head. "You said a couple hours. A couple is two. You're thirty-eight minutes late."

Cat howled. "You should see Holly dance! That girl's got moves!"

Holly blushed. "Only 'cause you showed me some of yours."

Cat shook his head. "No, you've got a really good feel for the music."

Lister chuckled, thinking of Cat and Holly dancing. "You should've seen it, Rimmer. It was great."

"I hate to interrupt this little lovefest, but can we get on with fixing me, please? All these stars whizzing by at high velocities are making my eyes cross," Rimmer said.

Lister turned to Holly. "Did you have a good time, Holly?"

"Yeah, Dave, I did. And I'm ready to go back now," Holly said. She glanced at her feet, waving to them. "Goodbye, feet."

Lister sat on the floor, although it was a little difficult for him to get down there. Then he grabbed the wire cutters and ducked back inside the conduit.

"For a computer, you make a really good hologram," Cat said to Holly.

"Thanks, Cat," Holly said.

"And I'm not just saying that because you have an amazing body," Cat said.

Inside the conduit, Lister rolled his eyes.

"I know," Holly said.

"Though if you ever manage to become a real person with that body, I'd be very interested in getting to know you better," Cat said.

"Lister? Could we possibly speed this up?" Rimmer asked.

"Almost done," Lister said, flipping the switch. When he emerged from the conduit, Rimmer and Holly were both gone.

"What happened?" Cat asked.

"We'll find out in a minute," Lister said.

Holly's face reappeared on the viewscreen and Rimmer appeared as a hologram.

Lister smiled in triumph. "There. See? Easy to fix. I'm the conduit master."

Holly spoke with Rimmer's voice. "You're barely the master of your own shoelaces, you gimboid. I'm still here."

Rimmer looked down at himself and spoke with Holly's voice. "I've still got legs, but they're different ones." He turned to look at Lister. "Dave, what happened?"

Lister winced. "Whoops."

THE END


End file.
